Bad Diary Days

Dear Charlotte,
Here is your horoscope
for Monday, May 15:

Someone says something that throws you for a loop, but not to worry -- this won't hinder your progress. Listen to what they said and fully process it. Then you can get this train back on track. Pronto.

the end of another era is upon us. it was a good couple month run. time to move on. transition.

transitory. thats how i feel. back to the beginning. a circular motion, perhaps? i don't like to think linearly. --------"let's talk about spaceships, or anything, except me and you, okay?" -Say hi to your mom
that pretty much sums up the concluding thoughts of my week. let's end it on that. and continue on our pre-destined path. (like the calvinist we think we are). so little time left in phase one of 2006. next phase california. then baby and wedding phase. then my feet will guide me. you've taught me so mucg. mostly indirectly. but i still want to thank you. and i also want to tell you off. all in all is all we are.

Dear Charlotte,
Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, April 2:

It's time to increase your attention to personal relationships. No one can resist you right now -- even the crankiest of friends or family members will acquiesce to your point of view. Work this charm!

"Do you mind if Kermit stays here?" I asked referring to my raggedy stuffed animal lying on his bed.
"It doesn;t matter to me" he replied, "we get along fine, but I don't care if he's here or not." I left kermie smiling on his bed and stepped out onto the pavement, shielding my eyes from the bright sun. Kermit represented me. He didn't care if I stuck around or not I began to realise. In the past month our visits became less frequent, "we're both busy," I defended. In the past week the phone calls were not daily or even bi-weekly. I began to forget what his number looked like on my caller ID. Slowly dissapating. Slowly giving me up. Tis the time of the year, everyone I know is breaking up. Why couldn't we just make it until April 21st? or even April 15th-my birthday. Slowly taking all of me back from him. Slow. This process is slow--and painful.

THE PREBOUND: similar to a rebound but before the doomed relationship is over; resulting in hightened ego and a lessening of emotional attactment to the other person in the doomed relationship. A way to get your mind off your significant other who thinks that you should make new friends so they do not always have to hang out with you....oh the prebound will result in a new friend.

Dear Charlotte,
Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, March 23:

Your current quandary is pretty exciting, but it can also be a little overwhelming. Take some time to get quiet and review your choices. It's true you've got all the opportunities in the world. Make the most of them.


(weird-i've just spend the last 2 hrs looking over my options for travel to my trip to california!)

There are two types of romantic comedies. We all know the traditional arctype. Boy and girl meet, they encounter obstacles of being together, overcome the obstacles and in the end are together. I recently encountered the second type of romantic comedy I feel is less prominent in the industry but I can see gaining popularity. It’s the arctype of boy and girl meeting, fall in love, encounter obstacles of being together, overcome those obstacles only to encounter more, and in the end do not end up together but are better for it and look back fondly of their memories together. I do not like this second type of romantic comedy. If I am going to waste my time watching a sappy movie about romance and “love” they better end up together in the end! I don’t fall for this “at least we have our happy memories together” crap. Sure we go through life and experience many relationships that do not last but I do not believe in waxing nostalgically over these thoughts of past happiness and love. I find in fact depressing because why should I reflect on something that I do not have anymore and will never have again. Sure I am up for a relationship that will only last a couple of months, and yea sure it’ll be fun and I will learn from it, but I do not need to see a movie embodiment of an intensely romantic, “he could have been the one” fling. I used to be a hopeless romantic, but now I am just bitter. I used to love the little moments of a relationship and think “even when this moment is over I will always carry it with me in my memories and in my heart!” I did not turn into a cold heartless bitch, I just became less naïve and stopped falling for every boy that walked all over my heart. I just enjoy the moment and when it is gone I could reflect upon it, but what’s the use. I just rather encounter my next fling, and enjoy the next moments in life.

where is my mole sister? i miss her more than anything right now? what did i do? why does she hate me? my tears are burning my face and my valentines date is so late it is almost not even valentines day anymore.
what a shitty shitty day. all i want is friends, is that too much to ask.

my beautiful hero

Dear Charlotte,
Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, January 26:

Are you so scared that you might experience the agony of defeat that you won't even let yourself get in the game? Lower the stakes by reminding yourself that it doesn't matter who wins or loses.




So Contradictory
I don't want you to get too close
but i refuse for you to leave my arms
If you meet someone else, feel free to leave
but i don't want to see that happen
I can't promise you anything but this particular moment
this particular series of moments
our bodies so close, but i can remain detached
our minds so close but i won't look back on you when i'm gone
this moment so real
as if it doesn't exist
illusion, disillusion, not decpetion

So Contradictory
i don't know what to do with you
i can let you go now, not to look back
not to pine, not to obcess
or i can take our moments as they come
one by one like a little marching band
and that is that when the band leaves the stage
drained of emotion, ready to take on a new reality
not ready to move, have yet to decide
should i forge on ahead
or leave your side?

Dear Charlotte,
Here is your horoscope
for Sunday, January 22:

Beware of self-fulfilling prophecies, especially unconscious ones. Before you start on any kind of journey or endeavor, it's important to be very clear about your intentions and your hopes and wishes.

so all of a sudden after not sending me horoscopes for months now they start to again and this is the result, crazy accurancy in my life.

Dear Charlotte,
Here is your horoscope
for Thursday, January 12:

Everyone's feelings and sensitivities are heightened right now, so tread carefully before you decide to voice an opinion or take definite action. Now is a good time to take a wait-and-see attitude.

Back to where everything started. My horoscope was right on all levels. I knew the night could end possibly one or two ways. I was right about which way too. We'll just have to wait and see what happens next. But let's just say I had a smile on my face alllll day.

Dear Charlotte,
Here is your horoscope
for Tuesday, January 10:

It's a good time to be ever the cockeyed optimist, no matter how unfortunate the circumstances may look on the surface. Your relentlessly upbeat -- but never saccharine -- attitude will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

WEST JET MURDERED MY GUITAR! They decapitated it, poor babe, it's case now a casket. Only a baby born in 2000, my 15th birthday present. We spent so many fond times together, played so many coffee houses. SO many of my close friends stroked your neck every so gently. We made such beautiful music together you and I. So many songs we wrote together that will just never sound the same again. West Jet will fucking pay for what they did to you! I will not rest until i get pay back! I am sorry that I will have to replace you, but it's not really replacement, your songs will be heard again, and if anything you will remain in my possession, mounted on my wall, till the day i die, i will not forget you. You were the first and one and only babe! This ones for you.

Best day ever. Pundyk and I went to Frost Fire. It was cool, we have never really been on an adventure like this before, just the two of us. We laughed all day long, expect for when he really hurt himself. We "cracked" up all day long. I've never had so much fun, and felt so comfortable riding with someone before. Definatly a good experience, except that it was all very platonic. and also i am a bit sad now because i wont see him for four months. Only 3 days until i head back to Mtl, yikers! But it seems like this always happens, i have started talking to steve again and now that makes me look forward to going back to mtl, haha history repeating. But we have made plans to hang out and he seems a little flirty, so whatever see what happens, i am not going to pin my entire existance on the lives of boys i think i love.
some new years resolutions:
1. i am in charge of my life, not boys, not sex, whatever happens happens.
2. go snowboarding more often!!!!!!


i just really need not to ponder and anaylze things, or regret or whatver. Just like in snowboarding, you gotta end after a good run, you dont have a good run and then try to get just one more in, thats when you get hurt. char, apply this to life.

this is going to be a great year full of weddings and new babies. so exciting!
and perhaps going to Great Slave Lake for july and august?

what a fucking dickhead. biggest asshole move yet. i am so hurt. i dont understand why he does this, why he treats me and only me this badly. and i want to say this is it, this has crossed the line, i will not let him do this to me again. but with him i am so easily forgiving and i feel that i wont hold this aginst him, maybe only until i see him on boxing day. he knows that he hurts me over and over but he doesnt care. He wants me around so that when he wants me he can have me. but when i want him, or only want to be around him as a friend i cant have him. i really want to say this is it, this is done, but i dont want to cause i feel that i would never stick to it. boo urns with a capital B! i already feel the anger subsiding. but yet only answering his phone when he doesnt recognize the number after i called him like 7 times before. well i feel stupid for calling that many times just to think he was at the bar and couldnt feel his phone ring. stupid me. stupid him.
New years resolution? no more stupid boy? give up hope of our future together? a dream that has taken up a majority of my life? hes not worth it. "This isnt school boys dont asault the girls they like"